The AntiTwilight Story
by ChuckingDaffodils
Summary: My friend thought of this idea. I don't mean to be offensive in any ways. If you like Twilight, I recommend you should probably not read it.
1. Chapter 1

Jacob has an anger management problem, Edward is a closeted gay, Bella is an attention seeking loser and imprinting swings both ways!!

The Anti-Twilight Story

A\N: My friend Daniel is the one that came up with the idea of this story. I thought maybe I should give it a shot and just to warn you, I do not like Twilight and therefore, have not read it. So, to all you Twilight fans out there who may spot mistakes, don't tell me I made the mistakes. Thank you.

BELLA'S P.O.V

"BELLA!" I cried, in the middle of the hallway. Geez was it that hard to get anyone to notice me! School had started almost an hour ago, and only Edward and Jacob (who was mysteriously at my school now; no one knows why or how) had said my name twice each.

How was it that I could create attention?

Oh, I know.

"MR. PETERSON WEARS A THONG!" I cried, flailing my arms in the direction of a substitute teacher.

When that statement had only gotten me 50 attention, I decided to do something drastic.

Unfortunately, there _is_ only five minutes to get to class.

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EDWARD'S P.O.V

"Where is Bella?" I muttered, hidden safely in the biology lab supply closet. I had something totally un-fabulous to tell her.

"HAS ANYONE SEEN EDWARD?" cried Bella, as only Bella would enter a room screaming and seeking attention.

"I'm like, totally here, Bella." Opening the closet door, I stepped out and found her standing on the nearest table, reaching for the ceiling's pipes.

"Bella, get down." I told her. "I need to tell you something, gorgeous."

"WHATEVER YOU SAY, EDDIE!!" and with that, Bella fell straight forward. Luckily, she appeared to be totally un-injured, 'cause like, she was getting lots of attention, so she was, like, totally fine.

"Bella, honey, I need to, like, tell you something." I started, but sadly, guess who had walked in the door?

Jacob.

Now, you may think that we're, like, total enemies 'cause like, he's a hot werewolf and I'm, like, a sassy vampire, but like, we so totally aren't.

Because I want him.

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JACOB'S P.O.V

"**Bella!! What are you doing with this sassy vampire??**" I demanded, huffing and puffing like the wolf in The Three Little Pigs.

"HE'S JUST TELLING ME SOMETHING IMPORTANT, JACOB!! AND I'M NOT WEARING UNDERPANTS!!"

"**Well, I came to tell you that there's an anger management group today in half-an-hour!! You don't have to be all sarcastic, Bella!!"**I cried. Why is everyone so mean?

On the way to my seat, I broke two desks, 5 chairs, three people's legs and Mike Newton's nose. I'd call that a job well done.

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ANGER MANEGEMENT TEACHER'S P.O.V

Hello. My name is Doctor Prowley and I have a Ph. D in Psychiatry.

I also help various students in the state of Washington to solve their problems.

Today, though, I only had three students: Bella Swan, Edward Cullen and Jacob Black.

So the lesson started off normal enough. Jacob confessed he had an anger problem, then punched multiple holes in the hole.

That I could handle.

Then Bella exclaimed that her father was to marry the President.

I've had more bizarre cases.

Finally, when discussion reached Edward, he only turned to Bella and told her that he will tell her something at the movies tonight at eight.

I should have become a juggler.

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JACOB'S P.O.V

Well, that sucked. Instead of telling Edward what he really was, the teacher simply got up and walked out of the class, muttering the recipe for salmon soup.

And Edward asked Bella on a date! That's unfair! I am angry!

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

"Luckily there's only one cinema in Forks." I thought. Wait, what's with the thinking?

I Am ANGRY!!

GRRRRRR

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Bella's P.O.V

"EDWARD, THANK YOU FOR TAKING ME TO THIS MOVIE!! NOW I WILL THROW POPCORN AT THE MAN IN THE WHITE SHIRT BEHIND ME!" I whispered.

"Ow!!" growled the man behind me.

Oops. It was Jacob.

"I'M GOING T O GET POPCORN, EDWARD! THEN LIE DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LOBBY! HAHA HA HA!"

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EDWARD'S P.O.V

Lucky for me, after Bella left for the lobby, Jacob climbed over and sat in her seat.

"**Why did you bring Bella here?**" he muttered, his face inches from mine.

He's _so_ hot when he hates me!

"Because I totally…" I started, turning me head to face him. Big mistake. Our noses were touching and I couldn't take it much longer.

" Because I totally am in love with you, Jacob"


	2. Chapter 2: The movies, and other stuff

Jacob still has an anger management problem, Edward is still a closeted gay, Bella is still an attention seeking loser and imprinting swings both ways!!

Alice Cullen picks up sattelite TV in her head and is an obscenly lazy couch potato, Jasper is a sick-minded man who is very self-absorbed (the result of his wife becoming a couch potato and spending no time with him) and Charlie has recently revealed his dream to become a rockstar. And there's a cool-talking monkey somewhere in there, too.

The Anti-Twilight Story: Chapter 2

A\N: Thanks for all the reviews! Writing Chapter 1 was lots of fun, so I'm writing Chapter 2. And since writing Chapter 1, I did my 'research' and watched the movie in French class. So, now I do know a little bit about the characters. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own any Twilight characters, nor do I own the book. Not that I want to or anything.

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JACOB'S P.O.V.

"I want you" Edward breathed.

I sat there, trying to figure out what he meant by that. Hmmm, "I want you", what could that mean....

I had to stop thinking; my brain was hurting.

"**Want me what**?" I demanded.

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EDWARD'S P.O.V

Oh. Em. Gee.

Did I just say what I thought I said? Did I just totally go and reveal my secret to the hot man-wolf? I had to, like, cover up my story:

"Um, like, I totally want you to...." OMG, what was I going to say?

Want him to come and watch football? Nah, I'm totally not into sports, 'cept for the close-up shots of the players.

Want him to join the U.S. Army? OMG, he'd look so _hot_ as a soldier... but, like, no, too random.

Oh, I know!

"I want you to go SHOPPING with me!" I squealed.

"**Erm- Sure!**" Jacob said.

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BELLA'S P.O.V.

"Miss, you have to get off the floor now. You are turning away customers" the movie manager told me.

Turning away people that I could get attention from? Not on my watch!!

I jumped up from the floor.

"OH MY GOSH, I TOTALLY HAVE POPCORN STUCK ALL OVER MY HAIR!!!!!" I cried.

No one looked in my direction.

Just then, the door opened. In walked a baby hippopotamous wearing a porkpie hat and pink neon sunglasses, and a capuchin monkey carrying an iPod dock.

The monkey leapt onto the snack counter and so did the hippopotamous, unsuccessfully.

The monkey pressed play on the iPod dock.

"Listen up, y'all." cried the monkey, holding his hands out to silence the 7 people in the lobby. "Me an' my friend are gonna do a very special performance for you."

The music started, and the hippo got onto his two hind legs. Although it was amazing, because I had only seen a dancing hippo twice in my life before and I admitedly enjoy them, I couldn't help myself but scream. After all, it had been 3 whole minutes and 26 whole seconds and 52 whole milliseconds since I last got anyone's attention.

"THE MONKEY AND I SLEEP TOGETHER! HE CALLS ME HIS DAFFY DILL BECAUSE I SMELL LIKE PICKLES!"

There. That got everyone's attention.

But the hippo and the monkey did not seem too happy that I stole their thunder.

"Uh-uh, girlfriend, you ain't great enough for me." the monkey snapped.

Uh-oh, the attention was back on the monkey.... oh my gosh, he was wearing UNDERPANTS! I did not notice that before, that is so awesome! A monkey that wears underpants! From the point on, I wanted that monkey.

"ME AND THE MONKEY SHARE A CONDIMINIUM ON RODEO DRIVE! AND MR PETERSON WEARS A THONG!" Mr. Peterson blushed, again.

I pushed my way through the crowd and snatched the monkey.

"COME ON MONKEY, YOU CAN BE THE TROY TO MY GABRIELLA, THE BELLA TO MY EDWARD!"

The monkey obliged, and we walked into the theater together.

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EDWARD'S P.O.V.

Bella, like, returned. I was totally hoping that Jacob wouldn't talk about our, like, shopping trip, but, like, he did.

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JACOB'S P.O.V

"**Bella, me and Edward and Edward brother and sister going to mall you come?**" I grunted.

"Oh em gee, you totally did not, like, invite my bro and sis without telling me, Jakey!" Edward giggled.

Bella, who was sitting between us, looked frusturated.

"NO ONE SAW MY MONKEY!"

"Duderella, chillax" Bella's lap said. On second look, I saw a monkey. So, no Bella's lap talking. Only monkey.

Awkward silence followed. Movie started. During part where man's house starts to float, Bella talked:

"WHEN ARE WE GOING TO THE MALL? AND MY MONKEY IS GOING TO SHARE MY BED!"

Edward rolled his eyes and giggled.

"Bells, you are totally embarassing me in front of that hot..." Edward paused, his finger pointing to big man in front row. Then Edward's finger moved. "..In front of that hot chick over there. Yeah, because I like girls. I like girls lots."

I felt bored.

"**I'm bored now, let's go!**"

"Dude, just chill out" the monkey said. That did not make me happy, so I squeezed the monkey.

"Duderella, Duderella's flamboyant friend, we should leave." the monkey corrected himself.

Good answer, monkey.

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ALICE'S P.O.V.

"Good morning, Alice. Did you have a good time in your bed last night?" Jasper smirked.

I didn't hear Jasper. Well, I did, but I didn't answer. I was getting TV feed into my head. Oh good, my favorite show is on.

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JASPER'S P.O.V

"Oh my gosh, Alice, you never want to do anything with me anymore!" I complained. And then smirked.

_Oh, Jasper, how __**do**__ you come up with this stuff?_ I thought.

"Oh em gee, Jasper, I'm having Bella and her dad and her hot wolf-man friend over." Edward squealed as he came down the stairs and squealing.

"I know, Ed. So do you plan on having fun with Bella tonight?" I smirked and wiggled my eyebrows.

"Ewwww, Jasp, you are, like, so sick-minded!" Edward cried.

"I know, right?" I smirked again. I really am amazing at coming up with double entendres.

"Where's my gorgeous Alice?" Edward asked as I walked over to the kitchen.

"She's watching TV again, on the couch." I replied absent-mindedly, searching for a cookbook.

Whoops. "And I bet she's really enjoying it, too." I smirked. There. Much better.

"Oh em gee, Jasp, you are such a weirdo!" Edward said.

"Me, a weirdo? I'm married to my sister! I think I'm already pretty weird as it is." I responded in defense.

"Yeah, like, what is with that? I mean, total baby mutations and stuff. When I meet a man, I'll make sure that he isn't you or Emmett before I marry him." Edward rambled.

"Sure, Ed. Whatever you say." I wasn't paying attention.

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EDWARD'S P.O.V.

"Okay, well, like, I'm going into the coat closet now to wait for our guests." I announced to Jasper who, like, probably wasn't even listening. No fair.

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BELLA'S P.O.V.

"CHA-ARLIE, I'VE DECIDED TO WEAR BLUE SOCKS TO EDWARD'S HOUSE TONIGHT!" I announced as I walked into the rec room.

"Wow, man, don't interupt me when I'm playing G.H m 'kay? It totally messes me up and junk." Charlie told me. "Aw, man, I totally didn't get a good score. Must be cuz I can't reach the blue button on the guitar stick."

"WOW, CHARLIE, YOU ARE SO STUPID THAT PART OF THE GUITAR IS CALLED THE LEG AND I EAT PAINTERS TAPE!"

"Hey, man, wanna hear the song I wrote for my new band?" Charlie asked as he made his way to the desk.

"YOU DON'T HAVE A BAND CHARLIE...BROWN! HAHA GET IT? YOU'RE NEW NAME IS CHARLIE BROWN I WILL CALL YOU THAT EVERYWHERE WE GO."

"DUDE, JUST SHUT-UP AND LISTEN!" Charlie yelled.

I shut up.

"Thank you, Bella. Here goes:

_I went down to the supermarket_

_They had a sale on telemarkets_

_So I bought one_

_*Doo Doo*_

_I bought one_

_*Doo Doo*_

_I paid my bill to the cashier_

_And he said "Turn left and exit here."_

_*Doo Doo*_

_Turn left_

_*Oooh*_

_Turn left_

_*Doo Doo*_

"Well, that's all I have for now, Man." said Charlie. "But once I get a sweet band, we'll put some major hot guitar solos in there and this song'll kick butt!"

"LET'S GO CHARLIE BROWN! HI MRS COLESLAW!"

"Bella, that's the couch. You don't give couches a name." Charlie said. "I'm thinking of getting a majorly sweet tattoo, right on my back. What do you think it should be?"

I paused, thinking of possible designs. When I couldn't think of anything, I said:

"MY MONKEY WEARS UNDERPANTS!"

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A\N: So there's Chapter 2. Please Review, I love hearing your comments. I'll publish Chapter 3 if I get requests for it. 


	3. Chapter 3: The dinner, and other stuff

Jacob still has an anger management problem, Edward is still a closeted gay, Bella is still an attention seeking loser and imprinting swings both ways!!

Alice Cullen picks up sattelite TV in her head and is an obscenly lazy couch potato, Jasper is a sick-minded man who is very self-absorbed (the result of his wife becoming a couch potato and spending no time with him) and Charlie ("affectionately" now called "Charlie Brown" by his daughter) has recently revealed his dream to become a rockstar. And there's a cool-talking monkey somewhere in there, too.

**The Anti-Twilight Story: Chapter 3**

Disclaimer: I don't own any Twilight characters, nor do I own the book. Not that I want to or anything.

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JACOB'S P.O.V.

Me name be Jacob. **Grunt.**

Me going to the house where pale man lives. **Grunt.**

Me ring the doorbell now.

_Ding-Dong_

"OMG, OMG!' me heared noise from other side of door. ''Kay, like, everyone's _gotta_ shut up now, it could be Jacob!"

Door opened.

"**Hi, Edward**.' Me grunted. "**Me here to eat food. Num, num."**

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EDWARD'S P.O.V.

"OMG, I am, like, _sooooooo_ glad you could come, Jakie!!" I squealed, cause, like, squealing is the bestest.

"**Hi Edward.**' grunted Jacob. '**Where be food and Bella and cool-talking monkey?**"

I clicked my tougne sympathetically.

"Aww, Jakie,' I said. 'I'm, like, _totally _bummed to tell you, like, this, but they're not, like, here yet."

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BELLA'S P.O.V.

"CHARLIE BROWN, COME ON, THE MONKEY WANTS TO GO EAT AT EDWARD'S HOUSE! ONLY IT ISN'T A HOUSE, IT'S A HUT!! IT'S A PIZZA HUT, GEDDIT? EDWARD LIVES AT PIZZA HUT!"

Charlie Brown didn't look too happy at my screaming. He curled his lip up and gave me a look of utter revultion.

But I am used to that. People give me looks like that a BILLION times a day at school. Also, Mr Peterson wears a thong.

"Hey, man,' said Charlie Brown. 'You're messing up my inner karma. Let's take my tour bus to Eddie's house."

"NO!' I yelled. 'I WANT TO TAKE YOUR COP CAR!!!! THAT WAY WE CAN GO IN IT AND PUT ON THE SIREN!!! WHEE-WAW, WHEE-WAW, WHEE-WAW, WHEE-WAW, WHEE-WAW, WHEE-WAW, WHEE-WAW, WHEE-WAW, WHEE-WAW!"

"Dude,' said my monkey friend. 'let's just chill and take the tour bus. It could be tight, ya' know? Like, it could have a sweet hot tub or somethin'. We could jam all the way to Edward's house."

"Man, you just got me right here. It's like we're sink-ro-nyzed, man. Our inner karmas must be holdin' hands of somethin, cause I feel you!" Charlie Brown started to cry, and the monkey did, too. I looked upon the two bimbos with revultion. No, both of them were staring at each other instead of me!

"LET'S GO TO THE EDWARD'S HOUSE!!!! EDWARD, EDWARD, EDDIE-EDDIE, EDWARD!!!! WE'LL HAVE FOOD!!!! FOOD-WARD, FOOD-WARD, FOODY-FOODY, FOODWARD!!!!"

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MONKEY'S P.O.V.

Man, that chick is crazy. But if I've learned two things from Bella, they're these two things:

1: Bella is my lover, because we sleep together (apparently)

2: Mr Peterson wears a thong.

So, at Bella's request, Charles and I stopped understanding eachother, and went out into the driveway in the front.

"This is my new, rockin' tour bus, man." he announced.

"BUT THIS IS ONLY A BICYCLE BUILT FOR THREE!!!!!' complained Bella. "AND I FOUND A TOENAIL ON MY TOE THIS MORNING!!! IT WAS FRIGHTENING, I NEVER NOTICED IT BEFORE!"

"Yeah, babe,' Charlie said. 'A seat in the back, a seat in the front, and a seat in the middle."

"I CALL THE FRONT SEAT! AND I AM MCLOVIN'!" cried Bella, flailing her arms so much that she flung me into the great oak tree on the neighbour's lawn.

"No, babe,' Charles said. Well, I think it was Charles; since my face was planted on a tree trunk, I couldn't really tell who was talking. 'This front seat's for my new best bud, the monkey. He and I are gonna coal-la-be-rate on my next album!"

"It's gonna be tight, Charles!" I muffled loudly.

"You know it, Monkey dude!" Charles shouted.

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ALICE'S P.O.V.

_Last week, on General Hospital..._

-CLICK-

_Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives..._

-CLICK-

_Kathy Lawler, Come On Down!_

-CLICK-

_It's The Muppet Show!_

-CLICK-

_Coming up next on Movie Central: Twilight_

-CLICK-

_Come on, Boots, let's help them count! Uno...Dos..._

-CLICK-

_Real Cases, Real People, Judge Judy._

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EDWARD's P.O.V.

"OMG, Jakie, I _can't believe you _haven'tmet Alice or Jasper!" I swatted his arm playfully. Oh, goodness me, his arm was as soft as a baby's butt. I storked his arm.

"**What are you doing, Edward?**" asked Jakie.

"Like, totally nothing. Cuz I am, like, in _love _with girls. Especially this one girl." I covered up.

"**Oh. Who be this girl?**" Jacob grunted. Oh, I just _love _it when he does that...

"Right, see, um...." Whoops. Maybe, like, I should've thought about that before saying it. Just then, Bella walked in. A lightbulb appeared over my head.

"It's..." I hesitated, hoping Jacob would take this as a dramatic, like, pause.

Jasper had come out from the kitchen and was watching me expectantly. He, like, always thought me and Bella should be, like, married. Even if he did want to, like, put her on a plate and serve her for, like, dinner. So, like, I am totally glad that I, like, wasn't married to Bella; otherwise, family dinners would be, like, very awkward, because, like, my wife would be the main course.

"Go on, tell us who you'd do, Ed." Ugh. Jasper was, like, sooo disgusting. Bit he was, like smirking.

"WHAT'S GOING ON?' shrieked Bella. 'WHY IS NO ONE INVITING US IN TO EAT? I HAVE A GREEN TOE GROWING FROM MY HIP AND THE MONKEY IS A COW!!! MOO.....WOOF!"

"Dude.' the old man behind Bella said to Jasper. 'Where's your TV, I want to plug in my Wii and play Guitar Hero."

"You want to plug in your _**what**_?' yelped Jasper. 'Man, that is just dirty! Shame on you!"

The old man looked ashamed, confused, mortified, bewildered, embarassed, puzzeled, humiliated, befuddled and disgraced. There. Now aren't you glad I, like, did my english homework already?

Jakie, Jasper, Bella, the Monkey and me all looked at me, waiting to hear who 'this girl' was. Oh, wait. It was, like, my reflection in the mirror, not, like, me-me.

"Okay.' I, like, said. 'The girl I, like, like is, like, you."

All the people gasped. Then Bella yelled out:

"YOU AREN'T BEING SPECIFIC. TELL US NOW YOU'RE MAKING A BIG DEAL OUTTA NOTHING.... TURKEY'S WEAR LINGERIE!"

"Fine.' It was, like, best to get this over with A.S.A.P. 'I have, like, a _major_ crush on... Alice."

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A/N: Teehee. :)

I know it's been a long time since I last posted a chapter to this story, so until I post the next chapter, here's an excerpt. (I've already started on Ch. 4, but I'm just taking a break for now.)

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COUCH'S P.O.V.

I'm a couch.

Teehee. X )


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